How To Raise Nice Kids
(my opinion only)
First let me remind you that I am a lawyer and not a psychologist. What I say here is not based on any empirical evidence but rather on what I believe based on my own parenting and watching other parents both in my practice and personally.
Loneliness and bullying seem to be two enormous problems in our society today. The CDC, in fact, has declare loneliness a major health issue today. I have long believed that feeling disenfranchised for any reasons can lead to any number of problems, including suicide and violence. I also firmly believe that one of the greatest desires of all people is to feel that they make a difference in some way.
And so, what can you do to raise nice kids?
- Model kindness. Say hello to people. Offer to help someone with a package or across the street. Put a penny in a meter about to expire. (Do these kinds of meters even exist anymore? Maybe in some small towns although it might be a quarter now.) I was once getting ready to sit down to eat at a restaurant with my then adult daughter when an elderly woman motioned us to her table. She said she was lonely and asked if we would join her. We did and it turned out to be a fun, lively and happy experience. Maybe you could reverse this situation and ask if you could join someone who is eating alone. Make their day.
- Teach mindfulness. Pick up a piece of trash instead of stepping over it. Put down YOUR phone when talking to your children. Turn OFF your phone during dinner time. Do not multi task when dealing with your children. Studies have shown that multitasking for many people is chaotic and leads to lower efficiency.
- Talk TO your children and not AT them. Engage them in a conversation with open ended questions. Don’t ask “How was school today?”. Ask instead “What was your favorite thing you learned today in school?”. Ask them “What nice thing did you do today?” or “Did you see anyone do a kind thing today?”.
- Encourage compassion. Find out if they saw anyone being bullied, left out, sad or alone. Talk about it and elicit ideas about how they could make a difference for that child. Find out if they ever feel that way themselves and what they can do about it. Have this discussion often so that they become comfortable with the idea that most people feel sad or lonely sometimes and that it is a good thing to talk about it. Ask your child what they can suggest to make this situation or circumstance better for themselves or another.
- Promote passion. Without passion, life can get pretty dull and rootless. Use dinner table conversations or other quiet time to find out what sparks that light in your child’s eye. Sometimes just watching your child at play either alone or with friends can clue you in. Is it playing outside, reading books, an interest in music, drawing, painting, acting, storytelling, making things or inventing things?
- Learn your child’s “Love Language”. Does your child respond best to one on one time with you, small gifts, hugs and kisses or strokes on the back, words of praise or having small things done for them. Watch them and see how they express their love for you. That will be a pretty secure sign that that is what they think love is. For instance, my grandson will often stop what he is doing to come over to say, “I really love you, MomMom” or “I am so glad you are here”. So, taking his cue, I make sure to tell him how much I love him and that I am happy to be around him. If you would like to know more about the love languages, I recommend Gary Chapman’s books The 5 Love Languages of Children and A Teen’s Guide to the 5 Love Langauges
