Teaching and Expecting Respect

In these days of “Black Lives Matter”, the indiscriminate bullying of children and adults, the threatening and killing happening in the United States, and in the world these days, what should we be teaching our children?  How should we speak to them about these troubling events?  I realized just yesterday that this question, rolling around in my head and body for months now, is the source of a low level of upset which has been affecting my health and well being.  And so, what to do about it?

I am not trained in any form of therapy, psychology, or counseling, and yet certain things make sense to me.  Such as: you cannot demand respect; you cannot legislate respect; you cannot model respect with disrespectful behavior.  As a young mother, doing my best to “get it right”, I read voraciously. Perhaps the most sage piece of advice I ever read was “Rudeness to children counts as rudeness”.  I also learned to speak TO my children and not AT them. And I learned to set boundaries for my own behavior and theirs,  and ask open-ended questions and follow up.

So how do you turn these pieces of advice into practice?  Again, I am no expert and these are some of my thoughts:

1. When you are wrong (rude, unkind, disrespectful, loud, angry, short-tempered or otherwise uncouth), either to your child or to another, apologize – genuinely – and not a lame “sorry”.

2. When you set a boundary, make sure it is both reasonable and one you will abide by. An unreasonable boundary or consequence makes you look ridiculous in the eyes of your child and failure to enforce a boundary teaches a very negative lesson to your child.  You run the risk  becoming untrustworthy in their eyes.  Imagine what that sense of untrustworthiness does to your child when they want to tell you they have been abused or bullied or have done something themselves about which they are ashamed?  This is how and why secrets are created and kept.  This is how a sense of entitlement is built.

3. Start daily dialogues with your children.  These are not meant to be inquisitions.  They are meant to teach your children to express themselves in a safe and loving environment where they will be listened to no matter  what.  Don’t ask “how was your day?”.  Ask “What made you happy today?”.  Or “Did anything make you sad today?”.  Or “Did you have a chance to help someone or make someone else happy today?”.  Or even “Is there anything you wish you had done differently today?”.   I recommend you share your own answers to these questions with your child too so that these talks become real dialogues and your child learns that it is okay to think and talk about all of these things.

4. Learn to see and acknowledge respectful, kind behavior by your children. I have always believed that a primary, even if unspoken, goal of every human being, is to make a difference in the world.  Thank your children when they rise to meet this goal.  It does not have to be an act of greatness.  It can be as simple as picking up a piece of trash, opening a door for someone, saying excuse me or standing up for someone else.

We all need to know we make a difference.  We all need to show and receive respect.  I have a dream that one day the Black Lives Matter and other protest movements will be a part of a difficult and far-distant past.  We all need to step up to the plate if my dream is to become our reality.  I know that many of you have other words of advice and input.  Please share them.

Everyone of us needs advice and input.  Please send any comments, input or advice to coparentingintothefuture.com

There are books and courses which can help us all.  Below is a list which has been helpful to me.  I list these with no specific endorsement save that I have found them useful.  Please take a look for yourselves.

BOOKS TO HELP YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN LEARN HOW TO LOVE

The 5 Love Languages of Children; Chapman, Gary, 1997

A Teen’s Guide to the 5 Love Languages; Chapman, Gary 2016

BOOKS SPECIFICALLY FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

Dinosaur’s Divorce; Krasney-Brown, Laurene and Brown, Marc

Divorce is a Grownup Problem; Sinberg, Janey, 1978

coparentingintothefuture.com – a unique co-parenting course designed to assist in creating a different future for your children than what might be expected.  This is also an excellent course for recognizing your own part in miscommunications, whether you have children or not.

Post written by Jolene Wilson-Glah

Consultant and Facilitator for coparentingintothefuture.com