Can I Date When Co-Parenting?

When you are co-parenting and the dust has settled from your divorce you may be starting to think about getting into a new relationship. Hopefully your new co-parenting roles are strong and you have a good relationship when it comes to both of you being parents to your children.  Before going into a new relationship with someone who may also develop a relationship with your children, it is good to keep some important factors in mind.  You children will need to have time to settle into a reliable schedule and routine.  And you as parents need to have the time to figure out who you are for your kids and for yourselves.  It might be tempting to replace a relationship that didn’t work out the way you wanted with a new one.  However, dating a new person will not fix old problems and may in fact cause new tensions between you and your children.   Remember that they are figuring it all out too. It is wise to spend time building your friendships and that special relationship with your children first.  You may just discover that giving this space to your family first draws in the right people to a healthy loving dynamic.

Emotions At Play

Children need time to adjust to new situations and living patterns.  One you have moved on from your past relationship, you may be feeling ready for something new, but they are still struggling to find the new groove in life.  Bringing a new boyfriend or girlfriend into the picture may cause them stress that they don’t know how to express.  It can be overwhelming and confusing for them.

This fragile time of adjustment after a family separating is a rocky place. And while it may seem like younger children are able to be flexible, it is especially awkward for them to navigate this time. Children rely completely on you for their stability and support. If you start to date and see other people too soon, you may have less time to spend with your children and be less emotionally available to them as well.  They could easily become jealous and feel neglected.  When they don’t know how to express these feelings, they may act out in other ways, or change behaviors negatively, or withdraw from you.

Having a new adult in your child’s life may also cause your children confusion about who to be loyal to, who to identify with.  Through no fault of your, they may end up feeling extreme conflicts between the new person and their other parent.  These are complex emotions that they are not developmentally ready for. They may really like this new person, but know that it hurts their other parent.  It is very common for children to want to protect their parents from hurt and pain.

Creating A Path Forward

Life does go on, and when your children are feeling secure and healthy, how do you go about introducing the idea of forming new romantic attachment?  Here are some tips to navigate these waters and creating your path forward with your children’s needs in mind:

• Communicate with your children well before introducing them to a new partner.
• Let your children know that you are seeing someone new because adults like to spend time with other adults who have similar interests and friendship. Make sure they know that it is not that you don’t enjoy spending time with them.  Explain that just like they enjoy their friendships, you enjoy yours to.
• Create a healthy balance in how you spend your time and let it be a natural flow. Don’t radically change your normal patterns of life. Keep dinner time, bedtime etc all the same as much as possible.
• Maintain any special times you have already created with your children.  Do you wave a day of the week you reserve for family movie night?  Or is Saturday the day you all go out to the park?  Keep these alone times with your children.
• Meet your date in places away from your home to keep things separate from the children.
• Talk with your children and listen to them express their feelings about the new relationship without reacting or getting defensive or going into explanations.  Let them hear that however they feel is ok and that your love for them is more important than anything else. Show your children you understand and remember that if they are dissatisfied, it may not always be that way.  With patience and if they have been heard, they can adjust.
• Always honor your word and do what you say you are going to do.  For example, if you tell your children you will be back home before they go to bed; make sure you are home before they go to bed.
• Take advantage of the times that your children are with their other parent. These are good times to spend dating or being with your new partner.
• Practice kindness and patience as everyone adjusts to the new changes.

Who is the parent?

Fantasizing about parents getting back together is very common for children. This can cause emotions on their part, like resentment or anger toward you or your new somebody.  They may feel that you are taking away the possibility of you ever getting back together with their other parent. With the lost dream of their parents getting back together, children may fear that you are actually replacing their parent with a “new” parent. It is important to reassure your child that this person is an addition to their life and not a replacement of their other parent.

And conversely, children also may begin fantasizing about having a “new” parent when they see you enjoying someone’s company and spending time together.  This may turn into a quick attachment to your new partner. Younger children often attach to new adults quickly, so it may be good to wait an extended period, even up to a year, to be sure about how you feel about this new person before introducing them to your children.

Showing Affection

Being physically and emotionally affectionate with your new someone around your children may cause them discomfort. Give good consideration to your children’s feelings and well-being when it comes to displaying your romantic life. And sleepovers with your new partner should only be when your children are not in the home.

Does your co-parent have different values when it comes to intimacy?  You should give this thought and prepare for how you will respond. What will you say if your child mentions that mommy sleeps with her new partner or that daddy’s new partner stays the night?  How will you respond? Preparing your reaction and response ahead of time will allow for a more reassuring and successful response that focuses on your children’s needs.

What If The New Relationship Ends?

Everything that happens effects your children.  How you react effects them too.  If you have involved them in this new relationship the loss will be loss for them too. It is important to remember that children of ten think things that happen in their families are their fault.  They may blame themselves for that person not wanting to stay around.  Or they may feel like they were in the wy of that relationship working. Always reassure them that it was not their fault, that you love them and you are available to listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Be the grown up and don’t let your loss throw out all the good work you have done to create a loving stable family.

Your children learn by watching you, so be a good role model for your children when dating and navigating relationships.