Co-Parenting During COVID and the Quarantine

As if co-parenting wasn’t difficult enough already. Near the beginning of March, most states started enforcing a mandated quarantine on all citizens, ordering them to stay indoors and avoid contact when possible with just about everyone. About three months later, some restrictions are finally beginning to be removed by the various governors of the states, but COVID is still present and needs to be accounted for.

If you are trying to co-parent your children with your ex-spouse, I guarantee this has been quite a trial on everyone involved. Managing your own self and household around the fears and responsibilities of COVID is a new experience.  And having to deal with the concerns, new habits and unknowns around COVID in your co-parent’s household as well add a lot of stress to the situation. In other words, challenging situations are even more so now.

How do you deal with different expectations, fear levels, and societal responsibilities in these unprecedented times?  Parents already might not agree on some basic issues such as sleep, nutrition, and discipline.  But with the added layers of fear of the unknown, frustration, sadness over the lack of normal social life effective communication and problem-solving are all the more necessary. How do you know what is best for both homes and for the community at large? Is it truly in the child’s best interest to continue to follow the parenting plan that is in place, sending the child back and forth between homes?

Have an honest conversation with your co-parenting partner

We are all figuring out how to go through life in these different times. To help you start a conversation and make an honest appraisal we have put together the following questions:

• Is one parent better able to support home schooling than the other? For example, is internet service accessible at one home rather than the other?  Is one co-parent more available to assist the children with their schooling?
• Does one parent have a job that involves more public and therefore puts the household at a higher risk of exposure to COVID19?
• Are there others who live in the home?  What are their circumstances?  Do they interact with the public?
• Is a household member in a high-risk group? Are they over the age of 60 or suffering from underlying medical conditions, or immunocompromised?  Would they be at increased risk of exposure?
• Does one home have more outdoor space for the kids to play and get exercise while keeping the recommended physical distance?
• Is transportation available?  If children were relying on public transportation if may no longer be a wise option.
• Is one parent more able to provide daily supervision without the need for child care provided by others?

Don’t Let Fear Be Your Guide

Be careful not to overreact also.  Some parents have a great fear of COVID19 and while it is good to be cautious, it is not a justification for one parent to take over care of the children out of fear of them being around the other parent.  Put the necessary precautions into place.  Create agreements on how to manage safety measures.  If precautions are put into place by both parents, the children can share households rather safely and ease the disruptive effect of this pandemic on the children.

Honor your parenting agreements as best you can

Denial of court-ordered parenting time is one consequence of COVID that has led to family disputes according to family lawyers.  Two lawyers in Vancouver said their firm has dealt with a large number of calls from parents going through this situation.

Physical distancing measures ordered by the courts shouldn’t prevent parents from honoring their agreements in most situations. After evaluating the risks honestly and coming to an informed choice there really is very minimal risk and there is huge value in a child seeing both parents and experiencing their love.  The emotional impact of not seeing one parent needs to be taken into consideration along with everything else.

Use Common  Sense in the Case of Illness

Obviously, if one parent does exhibit signs of coming down with any type of sickness, have the children stay at the other household until everything passes. In fact, this should have been done at normal times (such as with the flu) as well.  And don’t point the finger at the other parent if they do come down with some sickness. Everyone gets sick! It happens. Just use common sense and realize a cold does not mean COVID.  If you have been exposed to the virus, rely on your co-parent to take the kids while you self-isolate to protect your family.  And likewise, if your co-parent is uncertain if they have the virus, offer to step up and do full duty.  The lessons of these times is that we really are in it together.

Problem Solve Together

During these uncertain times, you have to be a bit flexible. Not everything is written in stone. Sometimes you have to adapt on the fly. It will take the both of you to come up with solutions. This is a time when team work and problem solving together is truly called for.  Listen to each other’s concerns, ideas and fears without judgement.  We are all figuring this out together.  Now is not the time to try to shoulder everything on your own.  It is time to learn and grow together.

Keep Conflict Out of Sight of the Children

You are bound to have a bit of anxiety during these uncertain times and it may lead to arguments. However, keep the conflict out of sight of the children. They are probably wondering what in the world is happening at the moment anyway. They have their own worries and concerns about the unknown.  Co-parents do not have to compound the problem by putting more on their children’s plates.