Co-Parenting for Fathers: Tips for Success

If being a great dad is your heart’s desire but you worry it will be difficult to follow through because of a divorce or separation, you are not alone. Many dads have been there too – trudging through co-parenting difficulties along fatherhood path when they don’t see their kids every day.

This difficulty is partly due to the fact that most every parent is aware of the fact that children suffer when divorce occurs. Kids often feel torn between their parents and the new separate lives they live. Dads often deal with feelings of competitiveness, misunderstanding, and frustration. The co-parenting relationship can be fraught with challenges when both parents walk through it blindly or without looking at their own accountability.

Here are some tips for fathering successfully in a co-parenting relationship

Dads also find the challenge of co-parenting to be a little more difficult if they are the non-custodial parent due to court-mandated custody arrangements. These dads have their kids fewer hours in a week than the mom and they sometimes feel pressured to make the most of their time with their kids. Taking personal responsibility to be the best dads they can be and striving to connect with their kids during the time they do have together can go a long way toward building a happy healthy relationship that nurtures their children as they grow older.

Effective Communication is Most Important

Many experts agree that the most important rule for co-parenting fathers is that of having effective communication. Many marriages fall apart because of bad communication patterns, which is why many divorced or separated parents battle maintaining good communication with each other.

To be the best father possible for your kids, it is important that you seek to exhibit more productive and open communication patterns and skills.

Be Responsible For Your Own Communication.

You can be responsible for your communication efforts, which can make the co-parenting process run surprisingly smoother – and you may just find, that when you are working toward communicating with a positive, generous attitude it can alter your former spouse’s communication – in a positive way!

Talk with your ex-spouse fairly regularly and across multiple communication channels, including face-to-face, on the phone and texting. Remember that it is very important that you communicate directly with each other and not through your children. Never use the words “Tell your mom…”

Get Beyond The Breakup With Your Ex

Holding a grudge, or holding onto what happened in the past can get in the way of nurturing a healthy relationship with the children. Taking the Co-Parenting Into The Future Course is a good way to look at what happened that had the relationship not work out. It is useful to get past that hurt or anger by doing some personal work to get at the source of what went wrong. Without support, it is all too easy to bring resentment toward the ex-partner into the new co-parenting relationship you are developing. A good co-parenting class will help you move on and assist you with creating new ways to communicate for the benefit of the children.

Be a Role Model

The importance of a father modeling behavior he wants to see in his children is impossible to underestimate. Role models don’t just tell their kids how to act but they also exemplify the kind of person they want their kids to be. Be consistent. Stick to your word. Stand up for what is right no matter the cost. Prove to be trustworthy and loyal in your relationships. If you want your children to be a certain person, model that type of character for them.

Keep a Consistent Schedule – and Stick to it

Kids do best when they are on consistent schedules, often becoming anxious if their schedules are thrown off track. Co-parents should strive to keep schedules consistent and regular. If dad gets the kids on Thursday evenings and every 2nd and 4th weekend, stick to this schedule, keeping the kids’ schedules first. If scheduling conflicts arise that should get in the way of this, try to address the conflicts as far in advance as possible so alternate plans can be made. When both parents work to stick to the predetermined schedule, the less the kids will be adversely affected.

Disagree in Private

Many parents have different parenting styles and opinions. Occasionally, disagreements arise regarding how the other parent is doing things with the kids. If you have a disagreement with your kids’ mother, handle it in private and not in front of your kids. If your kids see their parents as supportive of each other, they will feel more secure. Children should never be put in the middle of parental disagreements and should never be in a situation where they are used to sabotage the other parent.

Keep Your Cool

It is easy to react strongly to a situation that surprises you. Even when your ex does something that makes you mad, keep an even temperament. Whatever you are upset about (a missed invitation to an event or a late arrival to a child exchange) is less important than your child’s comfort and security. You can talk about your frustration, just remember the above advice and don’t do so in front of your kids.

Spend Quality Time with Your Kids

Another way dads can be the best father possible is to ensure that they spend quality time with their kids. This communicates to your kids that you value them. This doesn’t mean you have to take a vacation or special trip every time you see them – it can even be small. Look for small pockets of time throughout your visits to show them you love them. Play games, take them out for ice cream, ask how their day was, read to them at bedtime, etc.

Quality time is not limited to when you have your kids with you. You can also call them just to say “hi” or send them an email with a funny picture. If you live close enough, even on your off-weeks, surprise them at school and have lunch with them or pick them up early to grab breakfast.

Put Your Kids First

Be the best father you can for your kids, remembering that it is all about them and not you or your ex. Put your kids first, act with compassion and courtesy and work hard to establish relationships of trust. If you do these things, the co-parenting role of a father can be positive for you and your kids.

For some more information about co-parenting after divorce see the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services’ website, National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse.