Successful co-parenting tips for divorced parents
Divorce is a challenge on so many levels. I know that when I was going through it I felt overwhelmed at time. But putting my children first made all the difference. Being there for them in the process actually gave me a lot of strength in dealing with all the emotions and challenges. I tried to make it as painless on them as possible. Our breakup wasn’t their fault after all. I knew in the long run it would be better for them not to live in the midst of all the anger we were going though. Being strong for them made me more powerful too.
Here are some of the things I learned. I developed a variety of co-parenting skills to help my children feel secure and provide them a stable environment in which to thrive. There are many issues that arise when parenting. I find that it is very helpful to use these co parenting tips and navigate difficult or unforeseen situations to maintain a positive environment for my children.
Don’t Let Your Own Feelings Take Over
For me, an extremely important part of successful co parenting involves being able to set my own feelings aside. Of course, it is understandable and acceptable for me to feel hurt, angry, and resentful about my previous marriage. However, these feelings cannot enter into day-to-day parenting. Getting to the place of being responsible for my own part of the breakup of our marriage gave me a lot of power in getting past the feelings of hurt and anger that had built up.
Now, instead of staying inside my own feelings, I focus on my children’s well-being, stability, and happiness. Doing so, of course, is challenging in times of high stress. However, with ongoing practice, I am able to experience a lot of success.
One of the first things I do is to separate how I feel from how I behave. For instance, rather than focusing on my anger and allowing that to inform how I behave, I focus on loving my children and creating what is best for them. Focusing on the needs of my children provides me the motivation that is necessary for successful co parenting.
In terms of my feelings, I remind myself that they are valid and deserve to be heard, so I lean on friends and a therapist. Such support is extremely helpful so I do not express my negative feelings to my children. Although it may take a long time to move past any resentment or hurt, it is of utmost importance that I do not place my children in the middle of me and my ex. I want them to feel loved by both of us!
For instance, I make sure to never use my children as messengers as this could put them in the middle of the conflict. In fact, I always strive to keep them away from any of our relationship issues – they just are not equipped to handle those grown-up issues.
Manage The Transitions Between Households
Whenever my children transition from one household to another, it involves saying goodbye to me and reuniting with my ex. As such, transitions can be very difficult and emotional times for my children. Fortunately, there are several things you can do to help make this easier on your children.
When it comes to the actual transition, I let my ex bring the children to me, instead of going to pick them up myself. Doing so ensures that I do not interrupt a special moment. and lessens the likelihood that my children feel as if they are being taken away from their other parent. It is also important to stay positive about the transition and talk about it as a good thing. Help them pack and take time to prepare for the transition by reminding them about the upcoming change a day or two in advance and talking about anything that they are feeling about it.
While it can be a bit unsettling for my children when they transition back to my home, I help them adjust by keeping things low-key. Quiet and routine activities together are good, such as reading or any other favorite low-key activity, help them slowly ease back into my home’s routine and move on from their other parent’s routine.
However, sometimes my children require space after transitioning. During these times I find something else to do, just going about life normally and not getting upset. Give space and time and let them know you are here when they are ready to talk.
Practice Understanding and Empathy
One of the best co parenting tips is I ever got was to practice empathy for my ex as well as my children. Admittedly, having empathy for my ex can be difficult at times when I get trapped in my own emotions. But remembering that my ex loves my children too and wants the best for them goes a long way to helping me navigate difficult situations.
Although having empathy for my children is easy, it may not be so easy when it comes to their feelings about my ex. I do sometimes feel torn and selfish. I admit it! But then I put myself in their shoes and it helps me separate my feelings from the ones they have about their other parent.
Be Flexible
Although consistency and stability are vital components in my effort to help my children feel secure, I find that flexibility is just as important. For instance, when it comes to a change in scheduling, if it does not cause a problem, I find it better to agree as doing so is a great way to model for my children how to successfully navigate changes in a schedule.
Additionally, fighting about scheduling in front of my children causes stress, which is something I want to avoid with those whom I love most. Finally, it is important to remember that I may need to make a change at some point as well, and being flexible helps my ex to be flexible as well.
Build A Strong Support Network
Successful co-parenting is not achieved in a vacuum. Co-parenting can be stressful and tense. Therefore, it is very important that I have a support network that I can turn to in times of need. Fortunately, there are a variety of options to choose from to ensure I always have someone to talk to, and this support provides the clarity I need during stressful times.
For instance, I like to rely on a friend who is able to see both sides of any thorny situation. Additionally, there are a number of Facebook groups that provide me help and support when necessary.
Communicate Directly and Clearly
Communicating directly with my ex is always recommended as putting my children in the middle can cause sides to be taken, something that is unnecessary and stressful for everyone. Additionally, even if the message is mundane, I understand that my children may get it wrong. A miscommunication can lead to unforeseen problems. In general, I find that communicating with my ex in private ensures my children are not exposed to any negative feelings that either of us express during the conversation.
Of course, this is not always possible. Situations sometimes occur in which my children need to deliver a message from my ex to me. If such messages are upsetting, I make sure to not express any negative feelings because doing so causes my children undue stress. To make sure I respond appropriately, I remember that I can always call my ex later and express my feelings.
Don’t Talk Bad About Your Ex
Although there are times when it is tempting to vent my frustrations regarding my ex, talking negatively about my ex or allowing another adult to speak negatively about my ex in front of my children can have serious consequences. First, using disparaging language in front of my children teaches them to be disrespectful towards their other parent.
Second, and perhaps even more detrimental to the well-being of my children, doing so causes my children to internalize the comments. For instance, my children see themselves as part of me and part of my ex. Therefore, speaking negatively of my ex causes confusion in my children as these comments are easily misinterpreted as pertaining to them. Such a misinterpretation is damaging to their own feelings of self-worth. Therefore, I make great efforts to avoid this type of behavior.
Respect Your Children’s Relationship With Your Ex
Children need healthy and happy relationships with both of their parents to thrive and grow into emotionally stable adults. To help my children achieve this, it is extremely important to support them in their relationship with their other parent. I accomplish this by encouraging my children to call or text their other parent on a regular basis. I also remind them to honor special occasions for their other parent, such as birthdays and Father’s Day.
Co-Parenting Is A Team Effort
Co-parenting can be challenging, especially if I sometimes do not like my ex because of some comment or behavior. That said, approaching co-parenting from the perspective that he and I are on the same team makes my job much easier.
For instance, although it is healthy for my children to learn about different points of view across a variety issues, it is also extremely important that both homes are comprised of the same basic expectations regarding things like homework, curfews, and bedtimes. This keeps both homes consistent, which, in turn, avoids confusing my children.
Of course, each home’s rules and consequences for breaking the rules are not exactly the same. However, implementing the rules and consequences that are, in general, the same, ensures my children do not have to navigate drastically different environments, which can cause undue stress for them.
Finally, I find that compromise is the key to successful co-parenting. As such, it is important to understand that both I and my ex need to compromise on a regular basis whenever there is disagreement. At such times, it is important to focus on how to make the best decisions for the children.
Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends
I sometimes experience feelings of loss or even abandonment when my children spend time with my ex. But I know that it is very important that I do not infringe upon their time together. Instead, I reach out for support during these times. It is extremely helpful as they listen to and value my feelings and concerns.
In fact, my support network is filled with individuals whose experiences are similar to mine. As a result, they offer invaluable advice and support during the moments I require the most help.
