How to Set Co-Parenting Boundaries With Your Ex

When you are separated or divorced and share custody of a child, the struggles of building a working new dynamic of family relationships can add large amounts of stress. The stress extends not only to you and your spouse (or ex-spouse) but your children as well. Setting some ground rules and boundaries will benefit all parties involved. Your children will still be able to have both parents as part of their lives without awkwardness and stress. Below are some co-parenting boundaries to help get you started on this new, difficult path.

Set Conversational Boundaries

One of the most important boundaries to set comes with remembering that it is not necessary for your ex to know every detail about your new life – nor is it for you to know theirs. Establish co-parenting boundaries from the beginning that cover what you can talk about with your ex, sticking primarily to the topic of your children. Sometimes there may be overlap like when it comes to discussing plans and schedules but try to avoid talking about each other’s families or other sensitive topics that can lead to conflict.

Keep Things Businesslike

You do not need to try to become friends with your ex to make co-parenting work. Avoid talking about relationship matters and focus entirely on your children. How would you deal with the situation if you were talking to a co-worker? Communicate this way with your ex.

Have Regular Communication

Strive to check in regularly with your ex to talk about issues regarding your children. Timing is important here. Try to avoid handling these matters during pick-up or drop-off times and also avoid discussing issues around the children. Also learn how to not only talk to each other but listen to each other.

In many cases, there does not need to be much more co-parenting communication than this unless there are special situations, such as emergencies or illnesses or if you have special needs children. Daily conversations should not be necessary as they could be disruptive and burdensome – especially if you have a new relationship.

Include your Ex in Activities

Although it may be hard at first, include your ex in your children’s activities, including special events, school functions and extracurricular activities. Remember your children love both of you equally and it is important to them to have both parents at their events. Be sure to keep your ex in the know about when events will take place. Give them ample amounts of time to make arrangements so they can be present.

One great option for keeping the other parent aware of events and activities by using a joint calendaring system, such as Google calendar or another app. Both parents can add activities and events and see the same schedule. This minimizes the risk of conflict due to one party forgetting to tell the other about an event.

Additional Tips

Below are some more tips to help you more successfully navigate this new co-parenting thing with your ex.

• Never use your kids as a messenger. Communicate yourselves.
• Try to be consistent with your co-parenting schedule. If you have decided your child will spend two weeks with you in the summer and one with your ex, strive to make that happen and don’t cut visits short. This is hard on children.
• Talk positively about your ex around your child and give him/her the benefit of the doubt if an issue arises. Never throw him/her under the bus if he/she fails to come through on something. This is one of the most important strategies of successful co parenting after divorce.
• Our co parenting class helps you get clear about your own responsibility in your breakup and develop new co-parenting skills.  If your ex also takes this co-parenting class, it can help you both learn new ways to communicate.

Guest blog by Courtney Cosby