Creating Agreements That Work For Your Children

If you and your spouse had been better able to effectively communicate, your relationship might not have broken down. There is a real art in creating agreements that work, do not create hard feelings, are clear and benefit the children. Once you get good at creating agreements, chances are they will not need to be written. However, until you have perfected that art, writing down the agreements is always a good idea, especially if there is any possibility that court intervention may be necessary for enforcement.

If you are trying to get an agreement with the other parent about an issue not addressed in the decree, you might want to use the following communication guide:

Have direct communication with the other parent, preferably via email so that there is no misunderstanding. Do not use the child as a messenger and do not involve the child in the negotiations or conversation. Divorce is between the parents and is a “grown up problem”. Your children do not want to have this much power despite what they might say.
Be specific about the issue you want to address, such as sports enrollment, a birthday party, a physical checkup, a family event, a school activity, etc.
If there is a deadline for making the decision, state what that deadline is and give as much advanced notice as possible, and also state when you would like a response.
Be specific about your request and include all details.
If an agreement is reached, make sure it is in writing.

For example, you would like your child to be enrolled in soccer. You might send the following email:

“I would like to enroll Chris in the neighborhood soccer league. The practices are on Tuesdays and Thursday from 3:00–5:00 and games will be every Saturday between 9:00 and noon. All practices and games are at the community park. The season lasts for 12 weeks. The cost of participation is $60.00. Soccer shoes will be extra.

Because I know that some of the practices and games may be during your parenting time, I would like to have your agreement and commitment that you will support Chris in participation. Are you willing to commit to that? If so, will you commit to delivering and picking up Chris from the practices and games which may occur during your parenting time? Are you willing to share the cost of the season costs and the soccer shoes?

The coach needs to know if Chris will be participating by a week from this coming Monday. Can you let me know your decision no later than Friday before? Thanks so much. If you want to talk about this or have any questions, let me know.”

I can think of little else as upsetting to a child as having their heart set on participating in a sport or other extracurricular activity, like birthday parties or sleep overs, which requires both parents’ participation (such as practices and game attendance or pick-up and delivery) and not being able to fully participate because the parents are not aligned with the activity. These situations require that egos be put aside and that both parents focus on the child. This is easiest done with full communication

In those situations which do not require agreement (such as when one parent has the exclusive right to make medical or educational decisions), actively soliciting the other parent’s input and participation is usually in the best interest of the child. In those situations, the following suggestion for the communication is recommended. You invite the participation of the other parent, let them know by when you would like a response and what you will do in the event there is no response.

“I think it would benefit Chris to have an evaluation by an educational consultant. Dr. ______ has been recommended to me as an educational diagnostician and I would like to make an appointment. I would like to have your participation in this and if you have any other recommendations, please let me know.

I plan on scheduling an appointment before the end of the month and will go ahead and make that appointment if I have not heard from you before the 20^th.”