DOES EXTENDED FAMILY REALLY MATTER AFTER DIVORCE?
The simple answer is “absolutely”, both for the sake of the children and the other family
members. I have always believed that children deserve to have as many people love them as
possible. That should not change after a divorce. Successful coparenting after divorce involves keeping as much consistency as possible for your children and that includes involving the people they know. Even your bossy former mother-in-law or your opinionated brother should be able to stay in the children’s lives. When the parents are divorcing, contacts with extended family, especially if these family members have been a part of the children’s lives all along, can be a point of consistency, support and comfort for the children.
Do your best to maintain the relationships as they existed before the divorce and do not use
extended family members only for your benefit and according solely to your schedule – such as
baby sitters when you cannot find anyone else.
Children need reassurance the they are not the cause of the divorce.
Children need to be assured early and often that both parents love them and that they are not
the cause for the divorce. This goes for other family members too. Imagine the confusion for
children if their close relationship with a grandparent or aunt or uncle suddenly disappeared.
Not only are their parents divorcing, they may feel abandoned by that other family member too.
Continuing involvement with expended family when coparenenting may require some planning and new rules. Here are a few suggestions:
Contact Information
Make sure to have everyone’s email addresses or phone numbers so that you can contact them. Encourage your children to maintain this contact too.
Former Spouse’s Family
Do not assume that your former spouse will take responsibility for including his or her own family. It often does not work that way during marriage and there is no reason to assume it will be different now.
Include Extended Family
When your child has an event such as a game, a play or a recital, make sure to send notice and an invitation to extend family on both sides. Better yet, have your child invite them. If they are far away or otherwise unable to attend, send a picture or a copy of the program afterwards.
Be flexible and forgiving
Special family events, like a big birthday, a reunion, or a visit from a faraway relative, sometimes fall during your parenting time. Don’t be arbitrary and rigid in your insistence on “your time.” What about the children’s time?
Holidays
Holidays should be planned long in advance. Try to have a conversation with your former spouse very early about how the extended family can be included. Maybe everyone could get together in one location to watch the children open gifts, or celebrate another special event, such as graduation. Being able to do this sends a huge message to the child. Imagine the sadness and fear that could be associated with a child’s having to be careful to not be too excited to see the “other grandparent”. Conversely, imagine the lessons and joy that are possible when your child sees everyone coming together to celebrate them. You can read more about thriving during the holidays in my recent blog post.
Family Traditions
If it has been part of your family tradition to remember birthdays or holidays such as Father’s Day or Mother’s Day with cards or gifts, help your child to continue this tradition. Hallmark has developed cards for these occasions for almost all extended or new family members, like “stepmom”, “my other Dad”, “my bonus Mom”, “my #1 Uncle”.
Special events
Events such as weddings, confirmations, bar or bat mitzvahs, college graduations are events for your child, not you. Ask them who they want present and then do your best to make sure that happens, even if you have to grit your teeth along the way. There are a number of books available today that can help you deal with protocol questions, like who sits where. One such book is Planning a Wedding with Divorced Parents by Cindy Moore.
A recent article recounted some of the benefits of raising children close to their grandparents. The studies maintain that some of the benefits are: a built-in support system; greater resilience in the children; less ageism on the part of the children; less depression in the children when they become adults; and, the grandparents live longer.
Keeping extended family involved with your children after the divorce is a win-win for everyone.
