Lessening The Impact of Divorce on Children
Unfortunately, separation and divorce are an increasing reality for children today. Here are easy things that parents can do to ease the way for their children:
- Prepare a detailed schedule of your day-to-day life now and what you imagine it will be following divorce. Include all items regarding the care of the children, work, and managing the household. Try to do this with the other parent so that you can develop this plan together. The parent with primary care of the children should never assume that the other parent will always exercise 100% of their parenting time and the parent who does not have primary care should build in more time than assumed or allotted by the court. Be sure to factor in time with grandparents or other people who are significant in the lives of your children. Also, be sure to consider emergency resources and the costs of these resources.
- Prepare a detailed budget now and how you anticipate it will be after a divorce. Again, try to do this with the other parent so that the realities of running two households on what used to support one are clear to both of you. The realities of financial struggles after a divorce are often overlooked. If you are the non-primary parent, make sure to include anticipated support for the children and primary parents should never count on this support. Regardless of best intentions, sometimes child support is difficult due to illness, job loss or death and living without the support can bring great hardship on the children. Make sure too to include money set aside for emergencies and school extras.
- Write a letter to your children telling them all the wonderful things about their other parent. Children consider themselves part of each parent and it is a wonderful thing for them to know that, regardless of a divorce, you still respect and admire their other parent. Tell your children about some wonderful family memories and point out special things about their other parent. Make sure to send a copy to your former spouse.
- Make two family albums for your children – one for your house and one for them to take to their other home. Include pictures of everyone who is significant in your children’s lives, including grandparents on both sides. Make sure there is a framed picture of the other parent in your child’s bedroom in your house. Give them permission to love both of you.
- Make a list of your child’s doctors, dentists, teachers, best friends and their parents, and coaches or extracurricular leaders, including names, emails and telephone numbers. Also make a list of favorite foods, activities, and clothing sizes. Send a copy to the other parent.
- Get two identical calendars and two sets of colored stars or dots. Have your children pick a color for you and one for the other parent. Make an evening of assisting the child to put the stars on the calendar to indicate with which parent they will be spending the night. If you know about special events, make sure they are also indicated on the calendar. When the calendars are finished, give one to the other parent.
- If possible, do parenting time exchanges at school or day care. Once a month, plan a major “clothing swap” so that clothes end up back where they belong, and your children can make these exchanges luggage free.
- Encourage your children to remember their other parent on every special occasion and assist them in making or buying cards and gifts. Remember, you are teaching your children how to love and be loved. You are teaching them to be kind and to live with grace and dignity.
- For young children, buy and read Dinosaur’s Divorce. They still need hugs and kisses and to be told that it is okay to love both parents. They need to know that the divorce is between you and their other parent and that both of you love them beyond measure.
- Older children, even though often silent about their feelings, struggle with the issues of divorce as well. Encourage them to write in a journal and ask frequently about their feelings, their day at school and their friends. Arrange for someone for them to talk to – not “therapy” but a trusted adult (who may well be a mental health professional) to whom they can open to and who will keep their confidences – and make sure that you do not pry. Allow this person to be their safe place. Get them involved in charity work in the community, with or without you. Give them the opportunity to experience making a difference in the life of another person. Tell them how wonderful they are and how much you respect who they are.
