Signs The You Are Doing A Great Job
My daughter, JJ, was 2 and 1/2 when her Dad and I separated and divorced. We were both committed to seeing that our divorce had as low an impact on our daughter as possible. That was not always easy.
I overheard a conversation between JJ and a friend, S, as they were outside drawing on the sidewalk. JJ was 8. S, whose parents had just divorced, asked “Who do you live with?” To which my daughter answered “I live with my Mom and my Dad”. Obviously very confused, S then said, incredulously, “But they are divorced”. JJ’s response was “So?” I knew then that JJ felt comfortable with each of us and that we were each doing a great job of presenting a united front that was clearly for her benefit, regardless of where she spent the night.
About the same time, after having thrown a joint birthday party for our daughter, one of the parents called me, crying, and said “I did not know you were divorced.” She was not upset, she was moved by the fact that, although divorced, my former spouse and I could and did come together for our daughter in such a way that other children and parents did not detect any discord between us.
What are some of the signs that you are doing a great job in putting your children first? The list, although some things may seem insignificant, is worth noting.
Your child speaks freely about the other parent to you.
Your child can tell you that he or she misses the other parent.
You can hold joint parties or events for your child.
Both parents are listed on school contact forms.
Both parents can attend the same school or social activities and even sit together. Small as this may sound, it means an enormous amount to your child. Imagine after a performance that your child can come hug both of you without worrying about showing a preference. Imagine having a family picture taken without making your child worried about hurting someone’s feelings.
Your child asks you to help buy or make a card or gift for the other parent…and you do.
That you can all attend the same sporting events to cheer your child on.
That any new significant other of either parent clearly honors and respects the other parent and does not try to be a substitute. Children should be free to love everyone in their lives without fear or worry.
That both parents can and do step up to the plate in the event of an illness or emergency and that all appointments or information (and not just bills) are shared with the other parent.
That major decisions, such as important social or holiday events, summer camps, school course selection or extracurricular activities, especially if they require participation by both parents, are discussed and decided on together. There is nothing more damaging to a child than to have the parents fight over these important events or try to “one up” the other parent by registering first or promising the child something in return for choosing “their” activity.
Every day there are opportunities to show your child that they are not from a “broken home”. Rather, they are from a “restructured family.” Coming together for your children is not only what they deserve. It is what will enable them to be successful, compassionate, happy people.
I encourage you to look for all of the signs that you are doing a great job. Sometimes we do not give ourselves credit for the great job we do as parents. Keeping at least a mental list makes building on our successes easier and more frequent. Way to go!
