Teaching and Expecting Respect
In the days of #MeToo, the sentencing hearings of Bill Cosby, a “family man” icon to a generation of people, and the current twist, turns and debates surrounding Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the highest court in the land, what should we be teaching our children? I realized just yesterday that this question, rolling around in my head and body for months now, is the source of a low level of upset which has been affecting my health and wellbeing. Although I am also a “member” of #MeToo, I have resisted the urge to have those early experiences be a controlling factor in my life. I have refused to let abuse define me. And yet, it has and does, and I am still enraged. And so, what to do about it?
I am not trained in any form of therapy, psychology or counseling and yet certain things make sense to me. Such as: you cannot demand respect; you cannot legislate respect; you cannot model respect with disrespectful behavior. As a young mother, doing my best to “get it right”, I read voraciously. Perhaps the sagest piece of advice I ever read was “Rudeness for children counts as rudeness”. I also learned to speak TO my children and not AT them. And I learned to set boundaries for my own behavior and theirs and ask open ended questions and follow up.
So how do you turn these pieces of advice into practice? Again, I am no expert, and these are some of my thoughts:
- When you are wrong (rude, unkind, disrespectful, loud, angry, short tempered or otherwise uncouth), either to your child or to another, apologize – genuinely – and not a lame “sorry”.
- When you set a boundary, make sure it is both reasonable and one you will abide by. An unreasonable boundary or consequence makes you look ridiculous in the eyes of your child and failure to enforce a boundary teaches a very negative lesson to your child. You run the risk becoming untrustworthy in their eyes. Imagine what that sense of untrustworthiness does to your child when they want to tell you they have been abused or bullied or have done something themselves about which they are ashamed? This is how and why secrets are created and kept. This is how a sense of entitlement is built.
- Start daily dialogues with your children. These are not meant to be inquisitions. They are meant to teach your children to express themselves in a safe and loving environment where they will be listened to no matter what. Don’t ask “how was your day?”. Ask “What made you happy today?”. Or “Did anything make you sad today?”. Or “Did you have a chance to help someone or make someone else happy today?”. Or even “Is there anything you wish you had done differently today?”. I recommend you share your own answers to these questions with your child too so that these talks become real dialogues and your child learns that it is okay to think and talk about all these things.
- Learn to see and acknowledge respectful, kind behavior by your children. I have always believed that a primary, even if unspoken, goal of every human being, is to make a difference in the world. Thank your children when they rise to this goal. It does not have to be an act of greatness. It can be as simple as picking up a piece of trash, opening a door for someone, saying excuse me or standing up for someone else.
We all need to know we make a difference. We all need to show and receive respect. I have a dream that one day the #MeToo movement will be a part of a difficult and far distant past. We all need to step up to the plate if my dream is to become our reality. I know that many of you have other words of advice and input. Please share them. Every one of us needs advice and input. Please send any comments, input or advice to jolene@wilson-glah.com
